Wednesday, July 8, 2009

5 Ways Companion Animals Tell People from Replicants: Wednesday Wurds uv Wizdom

I readed this article today about the firefighter who gots 90 days in jail (10 days at a time ovur two years-- sounds rough) and community service cuz he shot hiz two dogz and left them inna public dumpster rather than pay for boarding while he went onna cruise. Iz not an unusual storee, unfortunately, but in all the talk abouts hao he had bankruptcies and foreclosurez and still managed to afford a cruise trip but not a kennel, hiz lawyer sed this:

"It's the same old story. They couldn't care less about people and they love animals," lawyer Sam Shamansky said.

That statement right there? That iz the center of the onion. It prooves there iz two kinds uv hoomans. There iz hoomans hoo understand wai companion animalz matter, and hoomans hoo will nevur view pets as anything but fuzzy burglar alarms and mousetraps. Some hoomans iz persons, some iz replicants.

In the science of transhumanism, "personhood" iz a term uzed to decide, theoretically, if a lifeform iz a person. They uze philosophical questions to find out if a synthetic lifeform, or an intelligent computer or a genetically-altered aminal iz a person.



You could do it like the Voight-Kampff interviews they do to find replicants in Blade Runner/ Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, but iz safe to say, in mai opinion, that companion aminalz iz the bestest barometer uv personhood.


  1. Compassion: Wile there are lots uv storees uv interspecies compassion like apes attempting to rescue birdies and dogz nursing kittens, no aminal iz able to express interspecies compassion az well as hoomans. Most hoomanz, anyway.

    Hoomanz get a star for personhood if they feels compassion for an aminal outside their own species. If a hooman iz willing to inconvenience himself to keep an aminal from starving, oar beings hurted, oar dying fur no reason, he haz compassions. If he shoots his dogs to go on a cruise, he doesn't. Iz simple. This firefighter may be human, but he iz not a person, cuz he lacks star uv compassion. Iz unlikely he will risk hiz life to rescue a companion aminal from a fire.

  2. Character: A man's character iz defined bai wat he wud do if he knew no one wud find out. David Santuomo gots found out, then he wuz remorseful. If he truly remorseful, he would have turned himself in. Iz wat hoomanz wif character do when they make a mistake, specially a big one. The ability to admit a mistake or a fit uv mental-breakdown rage, oar watevar, befoar othur peoples turn you in iz a sign there iz some good character left in a hooman. Being sorry iz a sign uv character, being sorry you got caught and punished iz not. Iz lack uv personhood.

  3. Responsibility: One uv the main reezons hooman children gets pets iz "to teach them responsibility". Iz prolly a good idea to get a foster pet frum a sheltur first to make sure kids will be responsible, but that's anothur storee.

    Companion aminals become permanent kittens and puppies when they iz adopted. Contrary to popular beleef, instinct to play iz not the same az instinct to survive. Hooman children like putting bright, shiny objects in dere mouths, but if you let one loose in an apple orchard wifout a grownup hooman to shows them wat iz food, they prolly won't survive. Iz same wif aminals when they has no mother to teach them the furst year.

    Iz wai kittens make bad mousetraps. They needs mommy to teach them wat to eat, or has to figure out bai accident. Iz also wai dogs need behavior and potty training.

    Children hoo take on the responsibility uv becoming noo parents uv pets learn to be responsible when they iz grown up. Children hoo treat aminals like living burglar alarms and mousetraps don't learn responsibility. This guy, he has filed fur backruptcy twice AND had home foreclosure, then went on a cruise but "couldn't afford" boarding? This not a guy with bad luck in the economy like some people forced into forclosure. He irresponsible and incapable uv seeing the consequences uv his actions. He lacks personhood. Iz right there in his history.

  4. Empathy: These dogs also belonged to hiz kids and ex wife. Two neighbors offered to watch dem. The Humane Society would board them. But he hung them from a pipe and shot them anyway, texted about it, and bragged about it to coworkers. So not only did dogs die horribly, his kids and exwife and helpful neighbors and horrified coworkers now all feel bad, too. This showz willful disregard and inability to "feel another's pain". Iz classic lack uv personhood.


  5. Love: I dunno if you male primates reeding dis know dis, but iz an old trick uv female primates to find out if a hooman man iz worth considering marrying. Iz not a good job, or a good car, or hao he treats hiz mom. Cud be he has a life's work outside his job, or he likes wurking on cars, or he has a bad mom.

    Hao a man treats companion animalz iz hao he treats women. If he haz conversations with them, and plays with them, and shows them off, and shares his couch, and gives them treats, and they shows enthusiasm when they see each other, he a good man.

    If he ignores dem, hits them, forgets to buy food, locks them inna room when company comes, or hypothetically speaking, shoots them so he can go onna cruise, he not a good guy fur a long term relationship. Lack uv love means lack uv personhood.

    In mai purrfessional opinion, David Santuomo receives no stars fur personhood. He a replicant, definately.

There was an error in this gadget